HOW TO GIVE SUPPORT

The person you love has survived a violent, brutal attack that has temporarily stripped all personal power. This person may be suffering terror and feelings of helplessness, which are perfectly normal responses. It takes time and support to work through the feelings associated with this type of trauma.
Believe the survivor’s account without question.

Do not blame. Whatever the circumstances, no one is ever “looking” or “asking” to get raped. Remember, rape is an extremely painful and punishing experience. The survivor may be suffering from self-blame, thinking things like, “If only I had done this or that differently, this wouldn't have happened.” Reassure them that:

1. The rapist is the only one who is to blame for the rape, and
2. There is no way of knowing when, where, or under what circumstances rape will occur.

Respect the survivor’s right to fear.
Rapists may threaten to kill the victim before, during, or after the act. Most people we have spoken with did not know whether they were going to live through the experience or not – they were in fear for their lives. This fear does not go away when the rapist does. It is real.

Accept the strong feelings.
Being supportive does not necessarily mean that you have to do something or take specific action. It is an attitude of acceptance of all feelings. It is providing a feeling of warmth and safety. It may be as easy as holding the survivor without saying anything. Tolerate mood changes; be there. Listen …

Listen without making judgments or giving advice.
Try to understand what the survivor is going through. Do not criticize actions or feelings. It is important to remember that the survivor did his or her very best in a deadly situation. Give credit for surviving such a traumatic experience!

Care about the survivor’s well-being.
In order to care, you may need to deal with some difficult emotions of your own. If you are feeling rage, blame or loss of feelings yourself – you can be most helpful by finding ways of dealing with your own emotions. Honestly examine why you feel the way you feel – is it because of your friend's pain or is it because of selfish reasons? Though anger is a normal, healthy response to a rape, showing extreme rage toward the rapist, threats or revenge and such, in the presence of a victim it may just increase fear. It is more important that you are there and present, rather than focusing on being against the rapist. If you feel to blame,look at your own feelings of responsibility. Do you believe it is your duty to protect this person at all times? If so, the rape may make you feel as if you have failed in some way. Remember, no one can protect another person at all times without making that person a prisoner. Blame can also come out of the false belief that “Nice girls don't get raped”. The false belief that women provoke rape comes from seeing rape as an act of sex. In fact, the rapist is motivated by a need for power and control and the desire to humiliate and degrade their victim. Rape is not primarily a sexual experience for the rapist or the victim. If you fear loss of feeling for her or have the feeling that she has been “damaged,” understand that these feelings may come from relating to her as your personal property. These are not appropriate feelings to have for a person and will further hurt your loved one and make her feel less human. If you are having a difficult time with your own feelings, it may help to talk with a counselor.

Take the survivor seriously: Pay Attention.
This will help to validate the serious feelings and need to work them through. Rape is a shattering experience that a person does not get over quickly. It may be months or years before feeling fully recovered. Recovery is a process of acceptance and healing that takes time. One of the most important factors in the amount of time needed is the kind and extent of support from surrounding people. Understand that work done with other people in a support group, on the telephone, or in individual counseling sessions, whether with a friend or a professional, is important to the healing process.

Encouragement
Encourage the survivor to not expect too much and to take it easy. This means you must not expect too much either. Life may seem a little dark for awhile. Whatever brings some simplicity and light into life will help.

Stay closeby
As long as needed. One of the most upsetting losses experience by rape survivors is the loss of independence and solitude. For awhile, many people feel scared to be alone. This will pass with time, meanwhile, be good company.

Let the survivor make decisions.
Do not pressure decision-making or make the survivor do anything before he or she is ready. Help the survivor to explore all of the options. It is very important to respect privacy and confidentiality. Who the survivor tells about the rape must be the survivor’s decision, including whether or not to report to the police.

Offer physical comfort and warmth…
…if wanted, but never pressure the survivor to have sex. Reassure that your feelings have not changed and you will be there when he or she is ready. One of the after effects of the violence of rape is to make the person's sexuality confusing. The act of sex can bring back the painful memory of the rape and, therefore, may be scary or too painful for a while. If the survivor does not feel like being sexual right now, do not take it personally. Remember you can show your love for each other in ways other than sex for a while.

Helping a Survivor: Common Do's and Don'ts

Do:

• Believe the survivor. People rarely lie about rape or assault
• Listen to the survivor and concentrate on understanding her or his feelings
• Allow the survivor to be silent; you don't have to talk every time he or she stops talking.
• Let the survivor know that you understand their feelings. For example, you might say, “you must have been very frightened”
• Ask how you can help
• Offer to accompany the survivor in seeking medical, counseling, law enforcement, or judicial help
• Remind the survivor that rape is the rapist's fault, not the victim's
• Help the survivor learn about, recognize and seek treatment for signs of Rape Trauma Syndrome.

Don'ts

• Ask questions that imply that the rape was the survivor's fault, such as “Why did you go to his room? Why didn't you scream? Why didn't you run away?”
• Ask “why” questions
• Touch or hug the survivor unless you're sure the survivor is comfortable with physical contact.
• Act in ways that are upsetting to the survivor. Be wary of phrases like, “If I could find the creep, I'd kill him.” Although you may be trying to be supportive, that type of comment might upset the student even more.
• Tell anyone about the assault without the survivor's permission
• Tell the survivor what to do; rather, help her or him explore the options. Among the complex decisions the survivor will have to make are whether to report the assault to the police and whether to take legal action. Rape crisis counselors and the judicial officials should be used as resources for these decisions.